Am I really a free spirit?

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This picture came to me via Pinterest. A free spirit. I’ve always considered myself to be a type of free spirit. I live my life my way, or at least to the best of my ability. But I read this definition:

Free Spirit: 1. A person with a highly individual or unique attitude, lifestyle, or imagination: nonconformist 2. A person who lives according to his or her own wishes and beliefs, unconstrained by society’s conventions.

It made me think. It made me process the way I live my life. I love being free. Doing my own thing, living on the wild side, ya know like every 20-something-year-old should be doing. I live my life to have fun and do my own thing. Smiling every chance I get and I’d say my imagination is plenty to handle. The things this brain comes up with always surprises me. So I’d say my imagination can be identified as a free spirit. But other days I completely conform, and I know I do. I often do what the group is doing, simply because I am too lazy to put up a fight. I’ve never been so bold and vocal about my beliefs in my life. But I recognize there is a time and a place. For instance, never talk to my grandparents about people who are gay or racial discrimination or any other social issue for that matter. For these reasons I often find myself conforming to my family whenever I am around. Not vocally, but I’m not going to fight with people who have believed the same thing for over 70 years. Not saying it’s right or wrong, it’s just not the type of free spirit that comes to mind. In other areas I’d get an A+ on my amount of freedom and amount of spirit I bring to the table. The whole idea is something that invaded my brain on my ridiculous drives to Muncie and back.

The truth is, I have always found pride in the fact that I consider myself a free spirit. Maybe not to the definition of what is identified as a free spirit here. After reflecting on that definition I have decided screw that definition (very free spirit-y of me).

I say anyone who is unafraid to be themselves. Anyone who can laugh at themselves, fall and pick themselves up again, follows the beat of their own drum, or anyone who just lives for pure happiness is a free spirit in my book. Conforming to this definition of ‘free spirit’ would defeat the whole notion.

Are you a free spirit?

Being the Sunshine

Even on the brightest days, the world can seem like the darkest place you have ever been. It’s sad to think people sit in stew in such a negative light. To think I’ve been sitting and stewing in this negative unpleasant light for about a month now, was an awful realization. Thankfully I have friends who are not afraid to tell me to get my head out of the real world and put it back in the clouds. Time to make some sunshine. 

For ages I’ve lived in the clouds. In the land where everything is rainbows and lollipops. The clouds are a safe place. Knowing all along that bad things happen, and things fall apart, yet I wanted to believe life went on without the bad news. But in the end it would all get back to being rainbows and lollipops. Recently I have been so down, the clouds were not even in my line of vision. I was not thinking of rainbows and lollipops, my vision was blurred and foggy, getting down on myself for nearly everything. From my weight to my messiness, to my subpar work at school to my lack of involvement in my family. Constantly stewing around, dragging my feet thinking I just was not good enough to be happy.Thinking I was no longer good enough for rainbows and lollipops. 

Thankfully my good friend Chandler* called bull on me yesterday. 

He knows me better than I thought. He makes me think about where I am and what I am doing. Living at home this semester has taken a toll on me in various ways. Straining my friendships, strengthening my family relationships, losing more sleep than before, financial differences, and a complete lifestyle change. I am no longer living the life of a young women in college at a major university. I am now living the life of young women who is working to help her family and be there for whatever their needs are. I’ve been raised family first. No matter what else there is, family is first. End of story. No ifs, ands, or butts. Therefore, family has been put first.

Sadly at the end of the day, I have to recognize I am a member of this family as well. I have to do what is also best of me, which in return benefits my family. Eventually. 

I’ve gone off on a tangent about my family, life, and good friends. I promise I am tying it all together. Yesterday I realized I have to stop getting down on myself. This is what has been handed to me. I have to make the best of it. Get my head back into the clouds. Make my own sunshine. Live for the moment, and carpe diem. And all that jazz. 

And this is not one of those today I start living my life to the fullest type of things, this is one of those ‘Katrena, it’s time to grow up a little bit and recognize that having your head in the clouds is not always a bad thing.’ If you know me, and know me well, you know I love the idea of fairy tales and happy endings. And the idea that bad things just do not happen. But the truth is they do. And the truth is, they always get better.

So until it does get better, we have to make our own sunshine. Shine so bright people can only be happy when they see you. Shine so that people continue to shine when they leave you, yet they continue to come back for more. Shine so bright that even on the darkest of moments, hours, and days the sun shines through you. Remember to spend sometime in the clouds. 

 

* – name changed